I don’t know why I’m writing this here, or even what I’m writing, but I have to write something, somewhere. To find out that Dan, the most important thing to me, is unhappy at University with me breaks my heart. Of course to some extent it feels like it’s my fault; that he’s happy at home, away from me, and unhappy at Uni, when I’m around. That I’m not enough somehow. But I know not to think like that, I know it’s more complex.
He says that he just always feels ill at University. The work, the stress, it’s actually making him sick. And that’s awful. That’s so toxic. And I never knew; he always says he’s fine, so I never know. Of course I have to let him know that he doesn’t have to stay in this environment, not if it’s making him physically ill. And that’s such a hard thing to do, because I don’t think I could survive my final year without him, but I don’t think I could survive my final year knowing he was staying just for me.
Strangely, it’s similar with me, but in reverse. I always feel ill at home. My self-confidence plummets and my anxiety goes through the roof. I eventually get so that I feel suffocated, my independence taken away from me. I lose all motivation, getting out of bed is the hardest thing I do all day, and it’s goddamn hard. Then there are the headaches, the aching limbs, the bad breathing and the severe lethargy. But for me, staying at home for a few weeks is such a treat, despite the sickness, and I always look forward to going away again at the end of the holidays. For Dan, I know he isn’t really happy at home, and he isn’t happy at University.
I wish more than anything that I could just make him happy; that I could march into the biology department and demand that they ease his workload; that I could discover a magic pill that would actually get him to sleep through the night, every night. But I can’t.
Dan, if you’re reading this, I’m so sorry that I always make everything about me, that I always make sure I get my way. I’m selfish, and I’m going to try my hardest not to be from now on. I will do everything in my power to make this term and next year easier and happier for you. I love you with my whole heart. <3